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As part of her birthday, Bird received two tickets to the opera Madame Butterfly for tomorrow night. Her lucky escort will be her spouse, FSIL.
It's my understanding that, It ain't over (all 3 hours) until the fat lady sings.
PS: They tend to frown upon those that text message and watch ESPN sports on their cell phones during the performance.
As many of you have probably heard, the television world is going all digital on February 18, 2009. Television will no longer be broadcast in analog signals. Everything will be digital broadcast. For those of you that have cable TV this poses no problem. For the rest of us, this poses a problem. Come February 2009, you would no longer be able to watch TV as you do now—which in of itself may not be such a bad idea.
To help us analogs, the government is offering (up to 2) free $40 discount coupons off of the $60 purchase price of a digital TV tuner converter box. Hooking your antenna cable to the digital converter and then from the converter to your TV will allow you to watch HD TV on a regular TV.
Pretty simple I thought. Wanting to get a jump on the limited coupons I ordered mine back in the Spring. They came in the mail and I set the envelope aside. (I didn’t think that any converter boxes would be available to purchase.)
Three months later I’m having a conversation with a co-worker about the coupons. They mentioned that they were only good for 90 days. Did I know that?
I get home and search for the safe place that I had put the envelope so that I could find it when I needed it…you know, that big stack of junk mail, bank statements, and I’ll open it when I get to it pile of letters. Finally, I find it and ripped it open…as Maxwell Smart says…missed the deadline by this much!
So plan B goes into effect. Sister Megs orders two coupons for her old man.
This time when the envelope comes I jump on getting the purchase made right away. I also ordered two for my folks. I purchase theirs and decide that I’ll hook them up first.
It went smooth as silk…well the installation did…they’ve never had better TV reception in their lives. Every single channel is picture perfect. The fly in the ointment was getting my dad accustomed to working the new TV remote. There’s nothing unusual about it, except that it has two power on buttons—one for the converter box and one for the TV. The buttons on the remote control are miniature and close together. My dad’s fingers are massive. Each time he tries to zero in on one button, he pushes three at the same time. The problem is like a woman trying to put a size 9 foot into a size 7 shoe.
I had barely walked into the house when the phone was ringing. Can you please come back and fix the TV? Your dad has pushed some buttons on the remote and it doesn’t work anymore.
A few days later, I decide that it’s time to hook up my converter. No problem, right? I disconnect the antenna cable from the TiVo and put it on the converter. On the TV screen is bouncing a box that says, No TV signal found.
I fiddle around with the wires some more. Nothing. Nothing, but frustration. The only thing that was different than the hook-up for my parents was the TiVo. Great, I not only need to get a digital converter box, I’m probably going to have to upgrade my TiVo too. It’s a governmental conspiracy.
So I go to the TiVo website where after an hour of searching, I stumble upon a compatibility list: Digital converter boxes that are compatible with the TiVo. There are 50 or 60 boxes listed. Turns out that my Radio Shack digital converter is one of the two that are not compatible.
A trip back to the store to exchange it for a Zenith one that’s on the list.
Tried hooking it up again. Nothing. Now, I’m thinking that maybe it’s my antenna. Great, there’s another $80 bucks for a new antenna. (Is this story beginning to sound like the song, Liza, there’s a hole in my bucket?)
The antenna is in the attic. So, I get the ladder, get up in the attic, get insulation all over me, check the antenna, pick up the big pieces of insulation, put the ladder back, clean up the mess and—now this is the embarrassing part—get out the #$&% instruction book and read all of it.
Wow! Success! Those guys know what they’re talking about. It works! Now, I’m an analog man living in a digital world.
The speed of one's computer is indirectly proportional to how long you've owned it.
(In other words…the longer you own your computer the slower it gets.)
I made a quick trip to work today after checking up on my Dad early this morning. As I was driving along the old highway, I came upon an unusual sight. It was a person (late 30's, early 40's) peddling their bicycle along the edge of the highway. Now, that in of itself isn't what one would deem as unusual. What caught my attention was the sign that was strapped to their back. It was held there with a two inch stretchy band of material that was wrapped around their waist - cutting into their mid-drift bulge. (Oh, the sights you see when one doesn't have a camera!)
Here's the sign:
Now, some of you may recognize this as the universal sign for "slow moving vehicle."
On second thought, maybe this isn't as strange as it may seem. My thoughts quickly reflected to Lucy and her 'ped. It may even come in handy for putt-putt Dave.
So being the resourceful person that I am, I quickly did some research. Here is an alternative:
And for those do-it-yourselfers that are handy with cardboard, here is another possibility. You'll have to find your own stretchy material. (Perhaps you could use the waistband from your Nacho Libre pants.)
Just remember - when you're out riding with your sign (looking your nerdiest), you can thank ld for your safety!
19 out of 20 A.S.S. members recommend this blog…the remaining one just hasn't found the url address yet.
I've decided that if I ever wanted to take up smoking that I could live in NY and never have to buy any cigarettes. Seems that everyone on the sidewalk has a cig between the lips. So much so, that there's more than enough second-hand smoke to go around for the taking. Even when you're in your "smoke free" hotel room. Our "third" room (see previous post) is five floors above the main entrance to the hotel. So when everyone rushes outside to light up, the smoke rises up and filters through the air conditioner.
And now, live from New York, our top story: We went to see the Empire State building today. About a two hour wait to get to the top. They had you wandering in "cattle lines" like Disneyland so that you felt like you were getting somewhere because you were always on the move—albeit—just zig zagging back and forth between the ropes.
When we finally got to the top, you could only go 3/4's of the way around. They had the northwest corner blocked off. The buzz was that they were expecting a "special guest" to arrive for their own private tour. Finally, the word got out that it was Miss Mimi—Mariah Carey. No, we didn't hang around to see her.
Thirdly, is the quote of the day. Remember I told you that we went on an Uptown bus tour yesterday. It took us to Harlem and we got dropped off at the Apollo Theater to catch the next bus to get to The Cloisters. The tour guide gave a brief history of Harlem and it's reputation of the past. He really went out of his way to tell how things had changed and that it was an "up and coming" place now. So much so, that former President Clinton has an office there. He pointed out the building.
Well, today we were on a subway that continues into Harlem. We were headed to 103rd Street to try out a Mexican restaurant for lunch that cs had read about in her NY tour book. A lady with two young kids (a boy and a girl) was on the same car. The subway stopped and she was getting off with the little girl in hand. She called out to the young lad to grab his sister's hand and come on. The boy was dawdling and the subway was about to take off. She hollered, Alex, take hold of your sister's hand and get off of the sub or you'll end up in Harlem. Everyone around let out a chuckle. [I'm not certain to which Harlem she was referring—the "past" or the "present".]
So my advice to you "younguns" out there, If you don't get off of the train when you're supposed to, then you'll end up in Harlem…or something like that.
After lunch, we rode the subway to Brooklyn and then walked across the Brooklyn Bridge back to the Manhattan side. I'm certain that the bridge is worth much more than the $24 that the guy was trying to sell it for. He did state that it was a really good price. [Note to Lucy: I saw more than a tree growing in Brooklyn.]
Lastly, the four of us—Syd, Pen, cs, & I went to see the Lion King. I won't lie. I did get a little "tb" (tired bum) syndrome. Good thing there was a 15 minute intermission. However, it was a good show and the costumes were pretty amazing.
That's today's wrap up in the circle of life…for now.
cs was doing some repair on a pair of my britches for me. She asked me to bring her a bar of soap. I asked her why. Thinking that she was going to mark the pants with the soap. (I had seen soap used to trace out a pattern onto new material before, but she was hand-sewing the pants so I couldn't figure out what the soap was for.)
She replied, My needle is dull.
So what good is the soap?
Now mind you, Bird is my witness. cs took the needle and jabbed it two or three times into the bar of soap.
Where did you gain that little nugget of knowledge? Did you google-mine it off of the internet? It is something that Pam teaches in her Home Economics curriculum? Was it an RS tip of the week? Is it something that is analogous to Blythe and the regions round-a-bout? Or did you learn it from Grandma Rosie?
I had never seen this done before. She seem to be getting agitated from my inquiries, but the soap trick must have worked because the needle seemed really sharp as she thrust it at me.
It's amazing the things that can be learned from various sources. Just ask FSIL II. Last week, he learned the cause of his sty…from a very reliable source!
Al Gore has got nothing over these guys! The Japanese are doing their part to abate global warming — one cow at a time — according to this article that appeared in the Tuesday edition of the Deseret Morning News.
TOKYO (MCT) — Researchers have stumbled on a way to stop cows from emitting methane — a potent greenhouse gas — when they belch, a finding that could help the fight against global warming.
Methane generated when livestock belch while eating is said to account for about 5 percent of global greenhouse gas emissions. But supplementing the animals' diet with cysteine, a type of amino acid, and nitrate can reduce the methane produced by the animals, according to the researchers.
Methane is generated in the stomachs of ruminants, such as cows and sheep, as bacteria breaks down plant fibers. The gas is emitted into the atmosphere when the animals belch as they chew their cuds.
The research team at Obihiro University of Agriculture and Veterinary Medicine in Hokkaido, headed by professor Junichi Takahashi, initially noticed that dairy cattle that consume a large amount of nitrate from grass growing in soil doused with high levels of chemical fertilizer release only traces of methane when they belch.
The researchers stumbled on the relationship between nitrate and methane generation when they studied a mass poisoning outbreak among a herd of cows.
The team found that feeding the animals cysteine in addition to nitrate not only significantly cut the methane they generate, but also helped prevent them from being poisoned.
The study also showed the nitrate does not affect milk quality. The amount of cysteine a cow needs each day costs about 100 yen (about 95 cents), according to the researchers.
The university team has obtained a patent for the technique in Japan, the United States, Australia and two other countries.
Methane is about 20 times more effective than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere.
European and Oceanian countries, where dairy farming is prosperous, are also researching how to reduce methane generation by livestock. The New Zealand government even subsidizes research on the subject.
According to the Environment Ministry, of the 23.8 million tons of methane emitted in Japan in 2006, 6.78 million tons was apparently produced by cows.
Livestock feed manufacturers hope to tap the technique to make new feeds that will help combat global warming.
Before the Group of Eight summit meeting at the Lake Toya hot spring resort in Toyakocho, Hokkaido, the research team plans to hold a symposium in June to introduce the technique to researchers from overseas.
Osamu Enishi, head of the Livestock Research Team on Global Warming at the National Institute of Livestock and Grassland Science, said the discovery has great promise.
"Cows produce a surprisingly large amount of methane. I think this technique will enable dairy farmers to reduce methane generated by cows without jeopardizing the cattle's productivity or the quality of their meat and milk," Enishi said. "Other Asian countries have many cows and other livestock animals, so this discovery could help countries worldwide combat global warming."
…and you thought that cows only went, Moo!
My father's best advice, Son, the surest way I know of to double your money is to fold it in half.
Best advice ever! — still holds true today. For other doubling your money (folding) techniques click here. It's called, Money Origami.
Last Sunday, cs was baking rolls for Sunday dinner. They didn't cook completely. Turns out that the lower (baking) heating element in the oven had burned out.
So, she tried microwaving one roll to see if that would finish them off. Turned it hard as a rock. Next, was the fry them in a pan idea. That worked so-so.
The best solution was to order the part and repair it. I ordered it on Monday and they said that it would be in on Friday. I called the shop on Friday and they said that it hadn't come in, but would definitely be on the delivery truck on Saturday…and it was…only it was delivered to the Sandy store instead of the Orem store.
So instead of waiting for it to be delivered on Monday, I ran up and got it. On the way back I decided to stop and gas up. Which was fine, until I went to get back in and realized that I had locked the keys in the car. A quick call to cs, and she brought me the spare key.
Unlocked the car, got home and made the repair. Now, everything is copacetic in the world.
Conclusion: When your element isn't right, it doesn't pay to get gas.
A couple was sitting at a table at a high school reunion, and the husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, Do you know her?
Yes, he sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My Gosh! says the wife, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?
The ship’s owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure out how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship’s owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.
What?! the owners exclaimed. He hardly did anything!
So they wrote the old man a note saying, Please send us an itemized bill.
The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer ................................. $2.00
Knowing where to tap .............................. $9,998.00
Now, the modern version:
Came home and cs said the Camry was capute. Checked the battery, charged it up and tried starting it. No go. Took the battery out and took it to AutoZone and Checker to test it. Both places said that it was good and fully charged.
They both stated that it probably was the starter motor. I knew that sometimes they get "flat" spots and the brushes won't turn to get the charge going. I knew how to jumper it across with a long handled screw driver, but I couldn't figure how to do this one.
The AutoZone guy told me "unofficially" that sometimes you can tap it with a hammer and get it to go. I wasn't quite sure what to do. But the Checker guy told me to tap the starter with a hammer while someone was trying to start the car. I couldn't figure out how to get in there to tap it because it was such tight quarters. He said that I might have to use a pipe.
So Hans and I went home. We got the battery back in place and I found a three foot 2 x 4 that had been cut in half length wise. I put one end of the wood against the starter motor and told Hans to start the car up. As he was doing it, I smacked the other end of the wood with the hammer.
Yes!! A puff of smoke came out of the starter motor and it worked like a charm — started the car up and purred like a kitten. In the words of Grandma Rose — un…be…lievable!
If needed, my hammer and I are now available for a "small" consultation fee.
cs started it September 17, 2007.
Lids was next on September 19, 2007.
Lucy continued on September 20, 2007.
Dana's still thinking.
Here's my list:
1. I am an official "card carrying" member of the Arnett fan club. I became a member 34 years ago (before I met cs) when cousin Dave (no, the other cousin Dave) gave me a signed membership card in Maracaibo, Venezuela. It was my lead in line for cs when I first met her. I'm a fan club member and I've got the card to prove it. Snagged her from the getgo…she was mine, hook, line, and sinker. Thanks, cousin Dave!
After the many years of being in the wallet, the names may have faded away, but the membership is still good!
2. When I was younger, my cousin and I sluffed Primary. It was back in ancient history days when Primary was held on weekdays after school. The church building was across the street from the elementary school. There were only two wards at the time. One had Primary on Tuesdays and the other ward had Primary on Wednesdays.
One Tuesday after school, half of the kids were getting on the buses to go home and the other half were headed across the street to the church. I can’t remember who was the instigator between us, but we both decided that we were “in” and were going AWOL. As we were headed across the school grounds in the opposite direction of Primary, Edie Rasband hollers out, Hey, guys where are you going? Primary is this way. I felt the eyes of the world upon me, but we kept on going — we were 2nd grade rebels…with a cause!
We lived about a half-a-mile from the school. We got a block away and I realized that if I got home early, then my folks would wonder why I was home at that hour since it was Primary day — never-mind the fact that both of my parents were at work. Big mouth Rasband’s words had started to prick my conscience. But, we couldn’t head back to Primary because we would be walking in late and the embarrassment would be too much. If we went home, there would be nothing to do because afternoon cartoons didn’t start until later. So we spent the hour hiding in a ditch, ducking down as cars approached so that we wouldn’t be found out. Nothing was ever said. I figured I had had “my day” of rebelliousness.
Years later, I was telling the story (confession time) to my mother thinking that I had better come clean. She told me, I knew about that. Your Primary teacher called me the next day and told me that they had missed you in class. I told her not to worry. You would be in class the next week.
…and I was.
3. I gained all of my computer skills from a high school computer class, from HB…learning what not to do, and helping Bird with her college assignments.
4. I endured sitting through several MVHS modern dance concerts (and am a better man for it!)
5. I really don’t understand electricity. It’s just my job and it pays the bills. I’m really doing it because it's "shocking" and I get to use a computer.
I tag jl (both of them).
I just upgraded my Happiness in a box that is strictly for business from 2 GB to 4 GB in less than 5 minutes. Happiness indeed!
If only it were that easy in life…Need more memory. Remove the battery, undo a few screws (I'm okay there, I've got some loose ones already), take out the old, pop in the new and improved, and voilá — presto, changeo — increased memory!
I'm beginning to appreciate more and more what memory I have left. Sometimes, I go into the bathroom and forget what I went in there for.
You laugh now, but just you younguns wait. It'll happen to you before you know it.
As I related before, my grandfather had a dairy farm.…we on the other hand, had a cow. A single milk cow. We called her "Bossy" [and every milk cow we owned thereafter.]
My grandfather had the luxury of having electric milking machines. We milked ours the old fashion way…hands on. And whether you have several cows or just one, they all need to be milked twice a day — morning and night. Our cow produced 3/4 to one gallon of milk each time she was milked.
I know (if you’re like my kids) many of you think that milk comes in a carton that you get at the store. [When Bird was young I asked her that question and that was her answer.] End of story. And for some that is true. They have no clue as to where milk comes from. I, on the other hand, got my milk from the cow—no middleman was involved. Growing up there were none of those mamby-pamby multiple milk choices of 1%, 2%, skim, etc. There was only one choice at my house: 100% udderly delicious whole milk—with cream or without.
My dad was an “artist” at milking the cow. It seemed as though he could finish the job in 5 minutes flat. He used to entertain the neighbor kids by asking if they were thirsty. He’d tell them to open up their mouths, then proceed to squirt a stream of milk 15 or 20 feet at them. The neighbor kids were fascinated with the process. He would ask them if they wanted to help. He would hand them the cow’s tail and tell them to start pumping. The faster they would pump, the faster the milk would come out. Other times he would tell them if they pumped the cow’s tail then chocolate milk would come out. Never did get that one to work.
From time to time, whenever my dad was working out of town, the chore of milking the cow “fell into my hands” [no pun intended].
At age 10-11, your knee/leg muscles aren’t fully developed and it is very difficult to hold up the milk pail off of the ground between your knees as you’re concentrating on pulling at the “handles” on the udder. [hey, I’m trying to keep this a family oriented article.] First the closest ones, then the furthest, then the closest, and finish up with the furthest.
Often times, I would get tired and set the partially full bucket on the ground and try to finish up fast. A few times the cow would swish her tail and dried chunks of “foreign organic matter” would fall into the pail. I’d hurry and reach in and get it out as best as I could and figured “what you can’t see, can’t hurt you” with the rest.
When I was finished, I would take the warm fresh milk into the house and run it through a separator. It had a filter, two spigots, and a handle. You would pour the milk into a bowl at the top and as you cranked the handle (55 turns per minute) the centrifugal force would separate the milk from the cream.
Ah milk, it does a body good…and a little dried foreign organic matter from time to time didn’t hurt either.
The equation for Power is: Power = Work/Time.
Well, if we consider what some of these things mean we get an interesting result. Time, as we know, is Money and Knowledge is Power. So, substituting Money for Time and Knowledge for Power.
The equation becomes: Knowledge = Work/Money.
If we solve for Money, we end up getting the equation: Money = Work/Knowledge.
This is quite interesting indeed because you may notice, as Knowledge becomes less, Money increases. Or, in other words: The less you know. The more money you make.
Also, as Knowledge approaches 0 (zero), Money will become ∞ (infinity), regardless of the Work performed. So apparently, the answer to earning money isn’t working hard, but knowing little.
I have solved one of life’s mysteries for I have discovered the miracle of Breathe Right® nasal strips. Some of you may recognize them as the band-aids that football players such as Jerry Rice wear across their nose. (I always thought to myself, How in the world did he cut himself shaving there? But I digress. Let me get on with the story.)
The box states: Relieves nasal congestion. Reduces snoring. Their website states that it will bring relief to people with deviated septums. (Now I know severals "deviates", but to my knowledge none of them are "septums".)
Aha! That immediately caught my attention. For I had started getting sensitive to the issue that members of my family stated that I had a snoring problem. I decided to give it a go and purchased a box to give it my own scientific study.
The back of the box also states: For best results to relieve snoring, use for 6 consecutive nights.
I have been using them since Saturday night — 5 days — and I am happy to report that I am cured! Not once have I awoken to hear myself snoring.
Now…if I could just convince cs to try them.
For years and years, I have tried to talk "shop" at home with cs, my kids, my in-law relatives and even gave it a go with FSIL I and FSIL II. Nothing, nada, zippo — just blank stares of indifference.
Which leads me to the conclusion that it could be one of two things:
1. It is their A.S.S. heritage coming through — (if it ain't about me, then I'm not interested)…or…
2. They just don't understand electricity, volts, or circuits.
I can do nothing about reason #1, but I stumbled upon a Dave Barry explanation that may help resolve reason #2.
Benjamin Franklin proved an important scientific point, which is that electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called "generators," turns back into electricity, which is sent in the form of "volts" (also known as "watts, " or "rpm" for short), through special wires with birds sitting on them to consumers' homes, where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit."
Couldn't have said it better myself. Now, we can start having some meaningful conversations around the house…
The challenge has been met.
The die is cast.
And as Howard used to say,
On your way out,
don't let the door hit you in the A.S.S.
PS: For those who have no clue who Henry M. Paulson, Jr. is, but were afraid to ask: Click here.
